Let us discuss Rupert Boneham
(Note: As with all of my Survivor profiles,
this was written prior to the series starting.
In other words, I am totally making all
this stuff up as if I actually have a
clue. I do not in any way know any of
these survivors. However, I've received
many emails from past Survivors complimenting
me on my insight. So, although I make
this crap up, but I'm pretty good at what
HOWEVER, I've decided to add comments
from articles I've written in an attempt
to provide more insight into this very
interesting pirate of a man.)
Rupert is a simple man. What you see is
what you get. You ask him a question and
he gives you an answer. It requires no
thought on his part. He knows what he
likes, what he doesn't like, and he'll
tell you either way without hesitation.
Does he have to ponder the deeper things
in life? No. Does he desire the latest
whatever? Not at all.
And his favorites say the same thing.
His favorite flower: Rose. Did he feel
as though he needed to come up with some
midly obscure plant to prove him sensitive,
creative, and flower-purchasing? Nope.
He said, and he buys, the first thing
that comes to mind - the least thought-requiring.
Roses. Mini-Wheats. Potato chips. Monopoly.
Pac-Man: He played video games only sort
of when they first came out during his
high school days. Has he played them much
since? Nope. But he liked Pac-Man, so
without hesitation, that's what he answered.
Outdoor activity? Fishing, of course.
I wasn't sure about the TV show, but when
I saw The Simpsons it made perfect
Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn, Classic Rock,
Hershey's, Ruffles, Apple, Orange... I
feel like I'm watching Family Fued
while Rupert continually gives the typical
#1 response for men in their late 30s
and 40s who live in the Midwest:
Name an actress: Goldie Hawn
Style of music: Classic rock
Candy bar: Hershey's
Dip Chip: Ruffles
It's like he answered these questions
while watching TV. Not an ounce of extra
thought was required.
Favorite non-alcoholic drink: 2% cow
milk. Notice how specific he became when
it came to his milk. Not just milk, but
2%. Not just 2% milk, but COW milk. Now
we understand what's important to him.
He was brought up with the belief that
he should drink his milk, that it's good
for bones and teeth and will help you
grow and all that. (This is a fallacy,
by the way. America has been duped by
a wonderful ad campaign.) And so he insists
on drinking his milk and probably has
a glass with every meal.
Former Marquesas Survivor John Carroll
has a radio show in Omaha, Nebraska. (Apparently
he is hilarious and a pure joy to listen
to.) He calls Rupert "Hagrid"
(from Harry Potter, for those who've lived
under a rock) and this is something I
wish I'd thought of. What a perfect nickname.
There's speculation that despite Rupert's
popularity he won't last long on the island.
I hope this is wrong, so we'll just have
My oh my! What an impact this hurly-burly
hairy raspy-pirate-voice of a man has
York Post reported that Survivor fans
flooded the CBS switchboard after Rupert
was booted off the show. "CBS insiders
say over 3,100 calls were logged to the
network - with over 2,200 of those from
viewers expressing their dismay at Rupert's
banishment. The response to Rupert's expulsion
from Survivor was the single-largest
outpouring of immediate fan angst in the
From day 1, it seemed as though this
Survivor could easily have been retitled,
The Rupert Show. Recall from Episode
The Rupert Show continues as we see him
bouncing up and down in the trees along
with brief glimpses of his tidy-whities
beneath his floral skirt. It's easy to
see why Big Hairy Man is so popular when
he says things like, "I am loving
life and loving this place and loving
the position I'm in. I am in paradise.
What more do I want? I'm living in a bounty
of food. I've got beautiful souls around
me. And I've got some help being strong.
was a mellower AARGH! than usual because
he was truly appreciating his paradise.
Pirates are not always about pillaging,
you know. They can love life. They can
appreciate paradise. They can flaunt their
Also recall from that episode when his
tribe was trying to decide what they should
loot from the other tribe. Several wanted
to take the one thing that would hurt
them the most - the tarp. Rupert's response...
"Honestly, we don't need to hurt
That says so much about a person, doesn't
But let's back up a bit to the first
episode when Rupert chose function over
The pain of having to wear the same clothes
day-in-and-day-out is already setting
in. Big-Hairy man says in his pirate-raspy
voice, "Man, I got to cut these damn pants
off. I'm wearing my fancy... My dress
jeans." (I giggle because I know a lot
of people from Missouri who have a pair
of dress jeans.) "The suckers were THICK
and HARD and heavy. Them pants killed
my crotch. Where nice wet denim RUBS FOR
A DAY AND A HALF and just starts EATING
that skin away. AARGH!!"
(In case you haven't figured it out, anytime
I capitalize Big-Hairy Man's words, you
must read them in that raspy, intense
pirate voice because that's exactly how
he says it.)
The tribe started cutting up all their
clothing -- making shorts out of the Armani
pants, cutting the dresses shorter and
making other dresses from the material.
once again, the guy whom the camera just
can't get enough of, Big-Hairy Man, proves
that he is truly confident in his masculinity
as he quickly dons a skirt, "My god, my
thighs feel so much better. I got the
little teasing and laughing with the girls
as we made it, and I put it on and I looked
really silly... DONE. I'm wearing a dress."
And I must admit that if it were socially
acceptable, I'd wear dresses all the time.
They look so much more comfortable and
free than having to wear pants. Freedom,
baby! That's what it's all about.
And here's something from my Episode
4 column. The essence and beauty of Rupert...
What's going to happen to Survivor Pearl
Islands when Rupert gets booted? Being
that it seems as though each episode has
been centered around this hurly-burly
raspy voice of a man, it will leave the
series rather empty. The show just won't
be the same without him.
I love it.
I love it because Rupert is Rupert.
He's not young and beautiful. He's not
from an Ivy League school. He's not a
Navy Seal. He has neither six-pack abs
nor a tan. He hasn't traveled the world
and he could give a hoot which wine goes
best with red meat.
But there's intensity and passion in
his eyes and in his voice. He understands
the bigger picture and he appreciates
the world around him. He knows good-hearted
people and he lives the principle of what
goes around comes around.
I think Rupert's popularity is a huge
statement to Hollywood, to politics, to
the music industry, to those who decide
what's "In" and what's "Out."
People like beauty; there's no denying
this. But people like passion, truth,
and intensity more. As soon as people
get wind that there's a politician who
speaks from the hip and isn't afraid to
offend people with what s/he believes
in, this person's popularity soars. How
long will it take for the music industry
to back a non-beautiful, incredibly talented
artist? When it happens, there will be
a massive "re-awakening" of
people buying music, people seeking music
When will Hollywood start showing us
people who have intensity first and looks
last? When will the entertainment industry
realize, as Frank Zappa once stated, "There
are a lot more of us ugly people out there."
Rupert also screams into our collective
unconscious something else that's mildly
related: You don't have to be pretty or
super smart or have a list of credentials
on the resume in order to be gifted, talented,
and generally loved by the world populace.
And you don't need someone else's approval
to do that which is good.
Speak your mind, have passion and
intensity, do what's right, work hard,
appreciate your world, get angry, scream
with joy, smile when something tickles
you, look around and soak in the miracle
Thanks, Rupert, for reminding us of
all these nifty things.
It's going to suck when he gets booted.
And I know he'll be booted because Survivor
has become a show in which the final episodes
cause a massive collective groan as the
most talented, most-liked, most interesting
people are booted because the others know
they actually deserve to win and WILL
win given a jury vote.
Still, even though the Survivors may
disagree during tribal councils, it's
kind of satisfying to know that the true
winner of Survivor Pearl Islands has already
I saw a shaving commercial featuring
Colby (from Survivor Australia) which
didn't at all mention Survivor. And he
did a great job. In fact, he did so well,
I doubted that it was actually Colby.
Now, if Hollywood can't turn Rupert into
a movie star, then they need to fire the
writers and producers and hire someone
like me who understands the common man.
He'd work great in a Disney movie as that
guy all the kids are scared of but ends
up teaching us about love or some sappy
crap Disney is famous for. And of course
he'd make a great modern-day pirate. All
the writers would have to do is write
things that Rupert believes in and then
tell him to speak his mind. Who needs
Have something you'd like to add?
me at email@example.com with your Rupert
Also, you can look forward to seeing
him yet again as he apparently has been
chosen to be on the All-Star Survivor.
How will he fare against many others that
everyone alreadys knows to be a threat?
The All-Star Survivor will definitely
be interesting experience.
Thank you for reading my crap!