Survivor Episode 4: Annoyance Man in Charge?
What's going to happen to Survivor Pearl Islands when Rupert
gets booted? Being that it seems as though each episode has
been centered around this hurly-burly raspy voice of a man,
it will leave the series rather empty. The show just won't
be the same without him.
I love it.
I love it because Rupert is Rupert. He's not young and beautiful.
He's not from an Ivy League school. He's not a Navy Seal.
He has neither six-pack abs nor a tan. He hasn't traveled
the world and he could give a hoot which wine goes best with
But there's intensity and passion in his eyes and in his
voice. He understands the bigger picture and he appreciates
the world around him. He knows good-hearted people and he
lives the principle of what goes around comes around.
I think Rupert's popularity is a huge statement to Hollywood,
to politics, to the music industry, to those who decide what's
"In" and what's "Out."
People like beauty; there's no denying this. But people
like passion, truth, and intensity more. As soon as people
get wind that there's a politician who speaks from the hip
and isn't afraid to offend people with what s/he believes
in, this person's popularity soars. How long will it take
for the music industry to back a non-beautiful, incredibly
talented artist? When it happens, there will be a massive
"re-awakening" of people buying music, people seeking
music of substance.
When will Hollywood start showing us people who have intensity
first and looks last? When will the entertainment industry
realize, as Frank Zappa once stated, "There are a lot
more of us ugly people out there."
Rupert also screams into our collective unconscious something
else that's mildly related: You don't have to be pretty or
super smart or have a list of credentials on the resume in
order to be gifted, talented, and generally loved by the world
populace. And you don't need someone else's approval to do
that which is good.
Speak your mind, have passion and intensity, do what's right,
work hard, appreciate your world, get angry, scream with joy,
smile when something tickles you, look around and soak in
the miracle of life.
Thanks, Rupert, for reminding us of all these nifty things.
It's going to suck when he gets booted. And I know he'll
be booted because Survivor has become a show in which the
final episodes cause a massive collective groan as the most
talented, most-liked, most interesting people are booted because
the others know they actually deserve to win and WILL win
given a jury vote.
Still, even though the Survivors may disagree during tribal
councils, it's kind of satisfying to know that the true winner
of Survivor Pearl Islands has already been chosen.
I saw a shaving commercial featuring Colby (from Survivor
Australia) which didn't at all mention Survivor. And he did
a great job. In fact, he did so well, I doubted that it was
Now, if Hollywood can't turn Rupert into a movie star, then
they need to fire the writers and producers and hire someone
like me who understands the common man. He'd work great in
a Disney movie as that guy all the kids are scared of but
ends up teaching us about love or some sappy crap Disney is
famous for. And of course he'd make a great modern-day pirate.
All the writers would have to do is write things that Rupert
believes in and then tell him to speak his mind. Who needs
Okay, enough about Rupert.
I didn't write an article last week because after I wrote
my first several paragraphs, I could think of nothing else
to say. Here's what I wrote:
Episode 3 Recap
This show seemed to fly by. But it wasn't because it was
so exciting. Instead, it was because I kept waiting for something
to happen -- something eventful, something other than the
It didn't. Not during the entire episode.
There was no character development. No new plots or subplots.
No turns, no twists, not even a slight crinkle.
Osten continued to destroy Tribe Idiot both in morale and
during the challenges. But all this was ignored as they thought
it was best to vote out the older lady in a boy scout uniform
who messed up tying a fisherman's knot, as opposed to causing
them to lose every challenge.
And so, again, this episode flew by because I kept waiting
for something meaningful to happen. Even now, I need to repeat
myself just to fill up a thought and make the paragraphs flow
- much like they did during the entire episode 3.
On to Episode 4
The show opens with what I feel is a bit of foreshadowing.
Tribe Idiot struggled to build some sort of double barrier
to keep a high tide from creeping into their shelter. Water
washed up but a few feet away. They piled logs (which were
washed away) on top of sand and dug little moats or something.
But they refused to move their abode.
some point, expect to see their shelter washed away.
They also complain about the crabs and the fire ants, while
also - almost in the same sentence - complaining about how
they terribly need fish for food. I seem to remember those
crazy things called crab cakes, steamed crabs, crab legs,
crab rangoon... Also, if I were starving, I'd be frying me
up some fire ants
Team Justice League Battles
Annoyance Man lives up to his nickname and annoys his tribe
man rolls his eyes while Hispanic-Fireball woman complains
about how she's not respected.
Then there's this really tall blonde-headed girl who is
actually kind of hot who occasionally says mysterious things.
It sounds like she speaks English, but I can never understand
what she says. She's the queen of slurring her words. It's
like she's drunk after having smoked a lot of weed AND has
marbles in her mouth.
girl says something which I didn't quite understand.
men continue making fun of Big-Hairy-Man Rupert, either talking
about his butt crack or his wearing a dress or whatever. Rupert
sums it up well, "I turned around and Burton's pointing
at my ass and laughing at me and just being an idiot. You
know, it's like high school. The pretty-boy jock-ass idiots
all got to pick on me. AARGH!"
You know what's kind of cool? Other than fraternities, immediately
after high school, the general public quickly realizes that
the pretty-boy jock-ass idiots are just freaking annoying
and mentally empty. Sometimes it takes 15-20 minutes of being
around them, but sooner or later, people just wish them to
shut the hell up.
We learn that the two One-of-Two-Dark-Haired-Immature-But-Good-Looking-Zero-Unique-Qualities
men and Super-Sweetheart-but-Probably-Isn't-Now-That-We-See-She's-Buddy-Buddy-With-the-Asshole-Clique
girl have formed their own little alliance of beautiful-popular-in-high-school
people while having alienated themselves from their tribe.
Yippee! Normal people rule!
I've decided to rename the challenges. Instead of calling
them "Reward" or "Immunity" challenges,
I'll call each of them...
Remember Skinny Ryan. He was booted essentially because
he was unable to swim out and pick up some whatever from the
ocean floor. Well, it's too bad that he went first in that
challenge instead of letting Wimp-Ass-I-Am-SO-Going-To-Die-From-Pneumonia-Blows-All-The-Challenges-Even-With-All-His-Muscles
boy swim out into the ocean and almost drown. It's too bad
he didn't do this because then his idiot Tribe Idiot members
might have opened their eyes and ears and booted him out when
he first said, "Vote me out, please."
In the previews we saw Osten screaming for help, Jeffy screaming
to see if he really needed help, Osten gulping for air, drowning,
almost dying! I tuned in wondering if helicopters would drop
in a couple Navy Seals or maybe the camera operators would
swing over in a rush throwing out life preservers.
Such was not the case. Instead, Jeffy said, and I quote,
"Hold on to the rope right there!"
"Osten, you're OK. Hang on."
And Jeffy wasn't saying, "Hang on" meaning to
swim a little harder so as not to drown. He literally meant
what he said: Hang on to the little buoy things right next
It sure is a good thing he has all those muscles and physical
ability, otherwise he'd be a real liability to his tribe.
"Drake Wins Reward!"
Rupert Gets a New Dress
The reward was a sewing machine and fabric and Big Hairy
Man Rupert quickly set out to sew himself a new dress. The
men continue to make comments about the dress because they
aren't creative enough to think of anything new to say or
do other than what they think their high school buddies would
think is cool.
No one laughs and Annoyance Man, who has no self-confidence
and makes up for his lack by acting like he thinks everything
he says is funny, so much wishes that he had the balls to
wear a dress because it looks so dang comfortable.
The Buried Treasure!
Team Justice League finally got their third and final piece
of the treasure map and after searching and searching and
walking all around and over the location, uncovered and opened
The stench was awful. Everything was moldy. They were totally
disappointed (except for the chocolate). They got some canned
foods, candles, sugar, honey, moldy beef jerky... Annoyance
Man elaborates on their bounty, "The blankets smelled
like crap. The hammock smells like crap. The mosquito net
smells like crap. I call it a 'Ghetto Christmas.' It's like
asking for an Incredible Hulk doll and getting your sister's
Ken doll painted green."
Tribe Idiot gets looted... again
Prince Andrew and Easily-Forgotten-No-Charisma-Just-Goes-Along-With-the-Flow
boy search the island for a fishing hole and didn't find it
and so they left with nothing other than a defeated attitude.
Meanwhile, their tribe gets looted and Team Justice League
decides to let them survive by not taking their one cooking/boiling
How come we have yet to see tribes on Survivor resorting
to eating maggots and bugs other than in the gross food challenges?
Burton Turns Traitor
man approaches Rupert and suggests losing on purpose in order
to strategically get rid of some of the people in the tribe.
True to the nature of the studly jock-ass idiot guy, he
has no concept that someone could possibly NOT want to go
along with his ideas and that all the time spent making fun
of people was taken all in fun and was actually thought to
be cool and funny.
He wants to get rid of Tall-Kind-of-Hot-But-Fried-the-Speech-Portion-of-Her-Brain
girl but Rupert happens to know that Tall-Kind-of-Hot-But-Fried-the-Speech-Portion-of-Her-Brain
girl likes his former-hippy-able-to-wear-a-dress-because-he-could-give-a-crap-what-other-people-think
Drake Throws a Challenge
Treasure Chest Mail announces a "full contact chess"
challenge and Team Justice League pretends that they're not
obviously throwing the challenge and sit out their two biggest,
strongest men in the tribe.
Team Idiot doesn't care and happily accept the win.
"Morgan wins Immunity!"
(I'm providing no details because who really cares how a
game was played if one team lost on purpose?)
A little surprise, though, came about when along with immunity,
the winning team also got to kidnap one tribe member from
the losing tribe. This member will live with them until the
next challenge. They will participate in the next reward challenge
and share in that reward if they win.
Tribe Idiot wisely chose Rupert and it's possible that with
this win and with their mental boost - along with the Rupert
boost - they may actually turn this game around and I'll have
to think of another name to call them.
Who is the Next to Go?
Man, as it turns out, is the swing vote and he knows it. Of
course, this just increases his Annoyance Man powers and the
non-thinks-they're-cool crowd grit their teeth and somehow
agree to not kill Annoyance Man, begrudgingly admitting that
they need his vote.
Annoyance Man plays up his swing vote, giving us the impression
that he could either boot Christa, who Alliance-Thinks-They're-Cool
wants out, or Burton, who Alliance-Normal-People want out
because he's such a threat.
It was really interesting to see just how completely disgusted
and annoyed Mr. Probst was after listening to Annoyance Man
speak his crap. Jeffy asked about their obviously throwing
the Immunity Challenge and they spewed a bunch of B.S.
He asked Annoyance Man, "Jon, self-proclaimed good
strategist, what are you basing your vote on tonight?"
He replied, "By whatever the astrological signs tell
Jeff looks completely annoyed at the useless response, "Is
that a respectful way to treat somebody that you've lived
with for 12 days?"
"Maybe, maybe not. We'll find out in a few minutes."
But just reading his words doesn't do the annoyance meter
justice. In order to really gag, one must hear how he spews
his crap and one must see his facial and body gestures.
I've received many emails telling me how completely fitting
the name Annoyance Man is for the smarmy Jon. Believe me,
it wasn't all that difficult to come up with.
man falls prey to his own strategizing and is the first person
booted from Team Justice League.
In the next episode, since Rupert will spend time with the
other tribe teaching them how to fish and all that, the Rupert
show shall continue. Maybe they should rename the show to
Survivor Pearl Islands: The Rupert Chronicles.
Yippee. Normal people rule!