Survivor Episode 4: Annoyance Man in Charge?

What's going to happen to Survivor Pearl Islands when Rupert gets booted? Being that it seems as though each episode has been centered around this hurly-burly raspy voice of a man, it will leave the series rather empty. The show just won't be the same without him.

And I love it.

I love it because Rupert is Rupert. He's not young and beautiful. He's not from an Ivy League school. He's not a Navy Seal. He has neither six-pack abs nor a tan. He hasn't traveled the world and he could give a hoot which wine goes best with red meat.

But there's intensity and passion in his eyes and in his voice. He understands the bigger picture and he appreciates the world around him. He knows good-hearted people and he lives the principle of what goes around comes around.

I think Rupert's popularity is a huge statement to Hollywood, to politics, to the music industry, to those who decide what's "In" and what's "Out."

People like beauty; there's no denying this. But people like passion, truth, and intensity more. As soon as people get wind that there's a politician who speaks from the hip and isn't afraid to offend people with what s/he believes in, this person's popularity soars. How long will it take for the music industry to back a non-beautiful, incredibly talented artist? When it happens, there will be a massive "re-awakening" of people buying music, people seeking music of substance.

When will Hollywood start showing us people who have intensity first and looks last? When will the entertainment industry realize, as Frank Zappa once stated, "There are a lot more of us ugly people out there."

Rupert also screams into our collective unconscious something else that's mildly related: You don't have to be pretty or super smart or have a list of credentials on the resume in order to be gifted, talented, and generally loved by the world populace. And you don't need someone else's approval to do that which is good.

Speak your mind, have passion and intensity, do what's right, work hard, appreciate your world, get angry, scream with joy, smile when something tickles you, look around and soak in the miracle of life.

Thanks, Rupert, for reminding us of all these nifty things.

It's going to suck when he gets booted. And I know he'll be booted because Survivor has become a show in which the final episodes cause a massive collective groan as the most talented, most-liked, most interesting people are booted because the others know they actually deserve to win and WILL win given a jury vote.

Still, even though the Survivors may disagree during tribal councils, it's kind of satisfying to know that the true winner of Survivor Pearl Islands has already been chosen.

I saw a shaving commercial featuring Colby (from Survivor Australia) which didn't at all mention Survivor. And he did a great job. In fact, he did so well, I doubted that it was actually Colby.

Now, if Hollywood can't turn Rupert into a movie star, then they need to fire the writers and producers and hire someone like me who understands the common man. He'd work great in a Disney movie as that guy all the kids are scared of but ends up teaching us about love or some sappy crap Disney is famous for. And of course he'd make a great modern-day pirate. All the writers would have to do is write things that Rupert believes in and then tell him to speak his mind. Who needs acting classes?

Okay, enough about Rupert.

I didn't write an article last week because after I wrote my first several paragraphs, I could think of nothing else to say. Here's what I wrote:

Episode 3 Recap

This show seemed to fly by. But it wasn't because it was so exciting. Instead, it was because I kept waiting for something to happen -- something eventful, something other than the normal routine.

It didn't. Not during the entire episode.

There was no character development. No new plots or subplots. No turns, no twists, not even a slight crinkle.

Osten continued to destroy Tribe Idiot both in morale and during the challenges. But all this was ignored as they thought it was best to vote out the older lady in a boy scout uniform who messed up tying a fisherman's knot, as opposed to causing them to lose every challenge.

And so, again, this episode flew by because I kept waiting for something meaningful to happen. Even now, I need to repeat myself just to fill up a thought and make the paragraphs flow - much like they did during the entire episode 3.

On to Episode 4

The show opens with what I feel is a bit of foreshadowing. Tribe Idiot struggled to build some sort of double barrier to keep a high tide from creeping into their shelter. Water washed up but a few feet away. They piled logs (which were washed away) on top of sand and dug little moats or something. But they refused to move their abode.

At some point, expect to see their shelter washed away.

They also complain about the crabs and the fire ants, while also - almost in the same sentence - complaining about how they terribly need fish for food. I seem to remember those crazy things called crab cakes, steamed crabs, crab legs, crab rangoon... Also, if I were starving, I'd be frying me up some fire ants

Team Justice League Battles

Annoyance Man lives up to his nickname and annoys his tribe while One-of-Two-Dark-Haired-Immature-But-Good-Looking-Zero-Unique-Qualities man rolls his eyes while Hispanic-Fireball woman complains about how she's not respected.

Then there's this really tall blonde-headed girl who is actually kind of hot who occasionally says mysterious things. It sounds like she speaks English, but I can never understand what she says. She's the queen of slurring her words. It's like she's drunk after having smoked a lot of weed AND has marbles in her mouth.

Anyway, Tall-Kind-of-Hot-But-Fried-the-Speech-Portion-of-Her-Brain girl says something which I didn't quite understand.

Both One-of-Two-Dark-Haired-Immature-But-Good-Looking-Zero-Unique-Qualities men continue making fun of Big-Hairy-Man Rupert, either talking about his butt crack or his wearing a dress or whatever. Rupert sums it up well, "I turned around and Burton's pointing at my ass and laughing at me and just being an idiot. You know, it's like high school. The pretty-boy jock-ass idiots all got to pick on me. AARGH!"

You know what's kind of cool? Other than fraternities, immediately after high school, the general public quickly realizes that the pretty-boy jock-ass idiots are just freaking annoying and mentally empty. Sometimes it takes 15-20 minutes of being around them, but sooner or later, people just wish them to shut the hell up.

We learn that the two One-of-Two-Dark-Haired-Immature-But-Good-Looking-Zero-Unique-Qualities men and Super-Sweetheart-but-Probably-Isn't-Now-That-We-See-She's-Buddy-Buddy-With-the-Asshole-Clique girl have formed their own little alliance of beautiful-popular-in-high-school people while having alienated themselves from their tribe.

Yippee! Normal people rule!

Reward Challenge

I've decided to rename the challenges. Instead of calling them "Reward" or "Immunity" challenges, I'll call each of them...

Osten-Totally-Sucks-Ass-and-Causes-His-Tribe-To-Lose-Yet-Again Challenge.

Remember Skinny Ryan. He was booted essentially because he was unable to swim out and pick up some whatever from the ocean floor. Well, it's too bad that he went first in that challenge instead of letting Wimp-Ass-I-Am-SO-Going-To-Die-From-Pneumonia-Blows-All-The-Challenges-Even-With-All-His-Muscles boy swim out into the ocean and almost drown. It's too bad he didn't do this because then his idiot Tribe Idiot members might have opened their eyes and ears and booted him out when he first said, "Vote me out, please."

In the previews we saw Osten screaming for help, Jeffy screaming to see if he really needed help, Osten gulping for air, drowning, almost dying! I tuned in wondering if helicopters would drop in a couple Navy Seals or maybe the camera operators would swing over in a rush throwing out life preservers.

Such was not the case. Instead, Jeffy said, and I quote, "Hold on to the rope right there!"

"I NEED HELP!"

"Osten, you're OK. Hang on."

And Jeffy wasn't saying, "Hang on" meaning to swim a little harder so as not to drown. He literally meant what he said: Hang on to the little buoy things right next to him.

It sure is a good thing he has all those muscles and physical ability, otherwise he'd be a real liability to his tribe.

"Drake Wins Reward!"

Rupert Gets a New Dress

The reward was a sewing machine and fabric and Big Hairy Man Rupert quickly set out to sew himself a new dress. The two One-of-Two-Dark-Haired-Immature-But-Good-Looking-Zero-Unique-Qualities men continue to make comments about the dress because they aren't creative enough to think of anything new to say or do other than what they think their high school buddies would think is cool.

No one laughs and Annoyance Man, who has no self-confidence and makes up for his lack by acting like he thinks everything he says is funny, so much wishes that he had the balls to wear a dress because it looks so dang comfortable.

The Buried Treasure!

Team Justice League finally got their third and final piece of the treasure map and after searching and searching and walking all around and over the location, uncovered and opened the chest.

The stench was awful. Everything was moldy. They were totally disappointed (except for the chocolate). They got some canned foods, candles, sugar, honey, moldy beef jerky... Annoyance Man elaborates on their bounty, "The blankets smelled like crap. The hammock smells like crap. The mosquito net smells like crap. I call it a 'Ghetto Christmas.' It's like asking for an Incredible Hulk doll and getting your sister's Ken doll painted green."

Tribe Idiot gets looted... again

Prince Andrew and Easily-Forgotten-No-Charisma-Just-Goes-Along-With-the-Flow boy search the island for a fishing hole and didn't find it and so they left with nothing other than a defeated attitude.

Meanwhile, their tribe gets looted and Team Justice League decides to let them survive by not taking their one cooking/boiling item.

Boring.

How come we have yet to see tribes on Survivor resorting to eating maggots and bugs other than in the gross food challenges?

Burton Turns Traitor

One-of-Two-Dark-Haired-Immature-But-Good-Looking-Zero-Unique-Qualities man approaches Rupert and suggests losing on purpose in order to strategically get rid of some of the people in the tribe.

True to the nature of the studly jock-ass idiot guy, he has no concept that someone could possibly NOT want to go along with his ideas and that all the time spent making fun of people was taken all in fun and was actually thought to be cool and funny.

He wants to get rid of Tall-Kind-of-Hot-But-Fried-the-Speech-Portion-of-Her-Brain girl but Rupert happens to know that Tall-Kind-of-Hot-But-Fried-the-Speech-Portion-of-Her-Brain girl likes his former-hippy-able-to-wear-a-dress-because-he-could-give-a-crap-what-other-people-think self.

Drake Throws a Challenge

Treasure Chest Mail announces a "full contact chess" challenge and Team Justice League pretends that they're not obviously throwing the challenge and sit out their two biggest, strongest men in the tribe.

Team Idiot doesn't care and happily accept the win.

"Morgan wins Immunity!"

(I'm providing no details because who really cares how a game was played if one team lost on purpose?)

A little surprise, though, came about when along with immunity, the winning team also got to kidnap one tribe member from the losing tribe. This member will live with them until the next challenge. They will participate in the next reward challenge and share in that reward if they win.

Tribe Idiot wisely chose Rupert and it's possible that with this win and with their mental boost - along with the Rupert boost - they may actually turn this game around and I'll have to think of another name to call them.

Who is the Next to Go?

Annoyance Man, as it turns out, is the swing vote and he knows it. Of course, this just increases his Annoyance Man powers and the non-thinks-they're-cool crowd grit their teeth and somehow agree to not kill Annoyance Man, begrudgingly admitting that they need his vote.

Annoyance Man plays up his swing vote, giving us the impression that he could either boot Christa, who Alliance-Thinks-They're-Cool wants out, or Burton, who Alliance-Normal-People want out because he's such a threat.

Tribal Council

It was really interesting to see just how completely disgusted and annoyed Mr. Probst was after listening to Annoyance Man speak his crap. Jeffy asked about their obviously throwing the Immunity Challenge and they spewed a bunch of B.S.

He asked Annoyance Man, "Jon, self-proclaimed good strategist, what are you basing your vote on tonight?"

He replied, "By whatever the astrological signs tell me."

Jeff looks completely annoyed at the useless response, "Is that a respectful way to treat somebody that you've lived with for 12 days?"

"Maybe, maybe not. We'll find out in a few minutes."

Gag.

But just reading his words doesn't do the annoyance meter justice. In order to really gag, one must hear how he spews his crap and one must see his facial and body gestures.

I've received many emails telling me how completely fitting the name Annoyance Man is for the smarmy Jon. Believe me, it wasn't all that difficult to come up with.

One-of-Two-Dark-Haired-Immature-But-Good-Looking-Zero-Unique-Qualities man falls prey to his own strategizing and is the first person booted from Team Justice League.

In the next episode, since Rupert will spend time with the other tribe teaching them how to fish and all that, the Rupert show shall continue. Maybe they should rename the show to Survivor Pearl Islands: The Rupert Chronicles.

Yippee. Normal people rule!