Big brother 4: Mediocrity and Run-on Sentences

I was SO looking forward to this year's Big Brother. When I first learned about bringing ex's into the house, I wrought my hands over what would surely be a lot of psychological thought-fodder.

Couple this with the usual insanity that results from being stuck in this house for so long with no change in scenery, with the same people, with no contact with the outside world, all the while having the people strategizing and taking sides all in hopes of voting each other out to win a half-million dollars -- and we have a huge amount of drama potential.

So what happened? Why is it that even those who have subscribed to the live feeds are only sort of watching them? (Or maybe I should say they're watching, but not nearly as much as prior seasons.) Where are all the houseguest fan sites? And, dammit, why haven't I been inspired to write? We're in the third week and I've started and restarted many, many articles, all of which were tossed due to that missing oomph. Why is this? Why oh why?

Well, kids, I'll tell you why.

But first, here's what will be in this article, all in a mixed-up sort of way:

• A recap of all that's happened in the house thus far

• A brief personality profile of each of the houseguests

• A look ahead of what is to come

Yes, it's kind of surprising that this year's Big Brother hasn't caught my attention. Every person is attractive in their own way. They are generally intelligent. They're not a bunch of smokers. Their outlook on life is generally positive. There really isn't one person with a trailer-park trash mentality. There's nothing terribly wrong with ANY of them.

So what's the deal?

Let us Ponder the Houseguests

There exists a pseudo-hottie beauty pageant winner (Alison) who's been heard discussing how popular she must be with the viewers. Being that she's done the beauty pageant thing, I'm thinking deep down she has an inferiority complex, especially given the fact that most girls she's competed against have MUCH prettier noses.

Initially, Alison started out crying over just about anything. It took her a few weeks, but she's stopped this for the most part, but has replaced this behavior with compulsive lying along with the need to constantly flirt with the studmuffins. She's one of those girls that can't bear the thought of never having a boyfriend or some guy to give her attention.

And speaking of her boyfriend, we now know why she said he would have a nutty over Justin being in the house: Alison has no control when it comes to guys. According to those watching the live feeds, her and Justin were f* buddies. And then we've seen her have lengthy make-out sessions with BOTH David and Nathan (some say she went so far as to have sex with David the night before he was booted, but I doubt it). Why this isn't really all that interesting is that both David and Nathan said it was sort of like kissing their sister, which very much translates to a huge ICK for those watching the live feeds.

I have a public request: If Alison's boyfriend shows up stating that he still loves her and that he understands that Alison did all she did because of strategy, would someone please kick his stupid ass to the curb?

The really sad thing about Alison is that after listening to her on the live feeds and reading live feed transcripts, I do not recall one instance where she discussed anything even remotely related to talents or skills or interests she may have. What is her thing? She's won beauty pageants, but is there anything that she's really interested in other than, well... winning beauty pageants and having someone around that she can call her boyfriend?

(You will soon see how this no-talents-no-skills-and-interests theme is repeated throughout the house.)

We have a woman, Dana (a karate something or other), who seems to think it's more important that she shows everyone that she's TOUGH. As a result, she chooses to get pissed off about anything and everything (throughout this article, I'll give live Dana updates... you'll see what I mean).

Dana isn't that well-liked both in and out of the house. In the house, everyone, especially the guys, knows that she's paranoid and that she freaks out anytime she thinks that anyone is talking about her or plotting against her or even just not including her in the plans. Mental weakness and zero confidence... these are so unattractive.

Physically, many of the younger BB discussion groups have deemed her "mantroll," but I personally think she's kind of attractive. I wonder what Dana would be like in more normal, less stressful situations where people aren't plotting against her. Still pissed and paranoid but just a little less?

Probably.

Normally, a paranoid, often-freaking-out girl and a cries-a-lot-flirts-a-lot pseudo-hottie would be interesting and fun to watch. Normally, like I said, these would be quality psychological thought-fodder.

Let us continue with the houseguests...

Another person who SHOULD have been conversation material is Scott. Scott was an emotional basketcase who was still in love with his ex when she came into the house. He told her this several times as she looked back at him blankly. Of course, the only reason he was still in love with her was because he couldn't find another girl that wanted to date him.

Scott tried and tried but just could never ever say or do anything likeable or cool. He was the king of inappropriate comments And to explain his whacked-out behavior and his still being in love with Amanda, he thought it would be a good idea to tell everyone, in the form of making an excuse for his idiotic behavior, that he has herpes when it really wasn't necessary that he share. What's the acronym?

TMI!

That's right, kids. Scott threw chairs and yelled at Big Brother and Alison scrubbed the toilet and cried hysterically, "My boyfriend will surely dump me not because I constantly flirt with and kiss on guys more attractive and more confident than him but because I've sat on the touched-Scott's-herpes-ass toilet."

(Note: for those just discovering my writing, anytime a quote is in italics, it's quite likely that I might have sort-of maybe made up the quote.)

Dana Live Feed Update:

Dana was just heard saying, "Herpes-ass toilets really piss me off."

Scott was evicted prematurely because he wasn't attractive or witty enough to increase BB ratings. Don't believe people when they say it was because of his emotional outbursts. Supposedly, his herpes wasn't contagious so he wasn't booted for that. And surely his emotional drama could've been controlled. They booted him because his personality and stupid hats annoyed the viewers and, if anything, caused people to NOT watch the show.

Remember when "not for nothin'" Justin got booted because he lovingly/teasingly held a knife to the I-totally-trust-him-because-I-like-him-and-because-I'm-drunk-as-usual Krista? There were many, many articles written about this. The discussion boards debated back and forth for weeks. It was featured on more than one TV show.

What happened after Scott was evicted? Basically nothing but a bunch of pretend sadness that he's gone when what they were really thinking was, "I wonder if Amanda might actually speak now...?"

Speaking of Amanda not speaking (which she never did, but the potential was there), she was busy giggling at David's non-stop antics, which soon turned into having the first-ever sexual intercourse in a U.S. BB house. Because Amanda was a gorgeous, exotic beauty, this should've been more exciting. Instead, it was, umm... anti-climactic.

Of course, those controlling the UNCENSORED 24/7 LIVE STREAMING VIDEO feeds went to FOTH (Front Of The House) within a minute after David fumbled around once he crawled on top of her.

Surely the first sex ever would cause a stir, right? Surely, this would create a lot of discussion on the boards, right? Surely the ponder/debate-ability of such a thing would inspire articles and lots of commentary, right?

Nope. She was too embarrassed to own what she did and David was too honorable to high-five the guys afterwards and talk about it. And so, what was once a discussion-worthy event has turned, yet again, into...

Yawn.

Oh, we also have a former FBI agent in the house. Now, THAT'S exciting, right? Well, Jack must've specialized in blending in because, despite all his immense potential for psycho-drama ponder-ness, he's essentially forgettable. I don't dislike him; don't get me wrong. It's just that he's pretty boring to watch or listen to. I guess Big Brother should've asked the follow-up question: "So you've had some amazing experiences? Very nice, but will you actually be able to TALK about them in the house so that maybe people won't die of boredom whenever you speak?"

Then we have Michelle, a 19-year-old cute-as-a-button, everyone-loved-her, so-very-innocent, has-lived-a-good life virgin (who's going to be HOT when she reaches late-20s early 30s), can't say anything really bad about her except that she says "like" a WHOLE lot. She was evicted because someone forgot to pay attention in Big Brother history class when it came to the part that using a very liked person as a pawn against someone they definitely want out usually ends up in everyone hugging the very much-loved person goodbye.

This someone that many wanted out was/is the super-hottie, Erika. Unfortunately, Erika seems to have a bit of a brain and some maturity because she hasn't lowered her mentality to fraternity level in order to become a part of the 20-something clique in the house. As a result, the young people in the house don't trust her. People think she's cold and calculating.

People, in my opinion, don't understand her. She really hasn't opened up to show us who she really is. Many watching call her cold and anti-social but those who have watched the feeds during those times when people weren't acting like idiots, she comes across very warm and caring. Plus, when she smiles, which isn't as often as I'd like, she is just ravishing.

I'd probably be the same way as her; "Ok, the drinking and the jokes and games are fun, but maybe eventually someone might actually have a real conversation about a real topic other than freaking rehashing strategy over and over and over again...?"

Another problem with Erika is her ex, Robert, who just so happens to epitomize asshole. Sure, at times he can say or do something cool, but for the most part he just comes across like an asshole. I wonder what Erika would be like if he wasn't in the house.

I started to discuss Robert more, but you know, he's that kind of person that you meet and have no interest, whatsoever, in getting to know him better. He is a perfect example of "out of site, out of mind." Do you ever think about Robert at any time other than when you see him or read about him?

Then there's Jun, a very saggy once-hottie, Asian girl who does have a sense of humor, not to mention a very high opinion of herself. Jun came into the house having JUST quit smoking cold turkey, so she is using this, along with the stress in the house, as an excuse to eat and eat often.

People who make excuses for hurting themselves or other people just annoy me. So you're life is rough, your situation is difficult... Who cares. Deal with it. Move on. Choose to do the right thing.

Dammit.

Dana Live Feed Update:
Dana says to Jun, "That cold turkey sh*t really pisses me off."

Alison Live Update:
She just said, "My boyfriend once at a cold turkey sandwich that I made for him. He said it was dry so I flirted with his roommate then I cried."

Jee is Jun's ex. I've liked Jee from the beginning and it seems as though many people are slowly starting to come around to like him as well. The problem with Jee is not Jee at all, but who he spends a lot of time with, i.e. Robert.

Unfortunately, despite being in this house with essentially nothing to do but talk with each other, it's strange to think that with Jee (and most everyone in the house), we know so very little about him. Could it be possible that CBS selected 13 people out of tens of thousands who applied who have basically no real outside interests or life experiences that bears repeating?

David was the class clown who was pretty funny in small doses. The problem with David is that he doesn't have an OFF switch. At some point, the guy needs to stop making a joke out of everything. Like I said, it's funny in small doses, but geez, over time, it's just annoying.

Somehow, though, David has had the most action, sexually, out of everyone. This should give hope to all the dorky comedians out there (you've got to be mildly attractive and really funny, though). The rumor is true: women actually like guys with a sense of humor! Who'd a thunk?

The best thing about David was after his little talk with Julie Chen. She introduced his friend and there just was no way in hell that they were going to hug each other or show the slightest amount of affection. They ALMOST hugged each other. They WANTED to hug each other. But they realized they were on TV and so we saw something like,

"Dude."
"Dude, was'up?"
"We're on TV!"
"Yeah, this kicks ass."
High five, punch each other on the shoulder.

Then we have Justin, the super jock wrestler who is proving himself to have a brain. Again, following the theme of these houseguests, it's difficult to come up with extra information about Justin. Let's see, he's a star wrestler, which means he's short and has a good body. It also means that he's very quick both physically and mentally. Justin is actually pretty cool, I must admit. And he seems to have a brain. Does he have any hobbies, interests, or skills other than sports? I haven't seen or heard of any.

The latter person is Nathan, the oh-so gorgeous good 'ole boy from Oklahoma that the girls all melt over when he gives them his aw-shucks-aren't-I-gorgeous-when-I-smile-at-you-but-I'll-pretend-like-I-don't-know-it smile. Because Nathan couldn't bring himself to find Alison the slightest bit attractive sexually, she thinks he's gay. Other people think he's gay, too, because he's so gorgeous.

I don't think so. Despite what many people think of the male species, it is possible for a guy to have no interest in or pleasure from sex with a pseudo-attractive girl, especially if this girl has zero personality.

Nathan is an excellent all-around athlete. And he looks good. And he has nice hair. And he is likeable. And his nice hair looks good. And he's a good athlete. Did I mention that all the women think Nathan is a gorgeous hottie and that he has nice hair? You see, as I try to discover things about him other than his looks and athletic ability, I am at a loss. Oh wait, I found one: He has a pleasant personality. And he's cute and has nice hair.

One Long Run-On Sentence

While profiling the houseguests, it became clear as to what the problem is with this household. These people have nothing to talk about other than strategy and who's aligned with who and who hates who and who's best going to help me in the game and on and on and on.

Now, the English majors out there are probably thinking, "Dang, Rob, that's a lot of conjunctions and run-on sentences?"

But that's what this house is, one long run-on sentence.

Here's Your Permanent Live Feed Update

Jee talks strategy with Robert who talks strategy with Justin, but Dana steps in because she thought that maybe someone was talking about her or discussing strategy without her being involved, but they weren't so she flirts with Justin and he flirts back and Robert gags and leaves and finds Jun, who's eating, and they discuss strategy while Alison and Nathan bound through the house chasing each other with water balloons WHILE ALSO discussing strategy, but then Erika walks through all grumble-like but not really because we just don't understand her and ends up in a theme-painted-on-the-walls room discussing strategy with Jack who says something but I really couldn't tell you what it was because as soon as he talks my mind sort of just goes numb and while I'm recuperating I find that Jack has made his way out into the lawn furniture only to find Jee and they discuss strategy but not really because they're in different alliances so they just sort of try to manipulate each other in an I'm-going-to-out-bore-the-world contest.

As I write this, I have the live feeds on, listening to them, take a while guess, talk strategy. Of course, it's the same strategy repeated. But what's really strange about this strategy is that people get pissed off about something, they change their minds and alliances, but then they for whatever reason change their minds again and end up thinking the same things they thought 12 hours ago. And since they changed their minds once in between, they feel as though they need to RE-DISCUSS their strategy.

There you go. If you miss the live feeds or haven't signed up for them, just reread the above paragraph: Instant Live Feed Update! Woo woo.

So Why is This Show so Freaking Boring?

Let us review the houseguests:

We have a crying-lying-flirts-a-lot almost hottie, an emotional basketcase with herpes, a gorgeous exotic beauty who never spoke but had sex but was too embarrassed over it, a class clown, an FBI agent, a saggy once-upon-a-time hottie Asian, a cute-as-a-button virgin, a super-hottie pilates instructor, a paranoid-can't-shut-up-look-at-me-aren't-I-a-tough-New-Yorker-with-a-great-body-and-nice-skin-tone not-quite-hottie Karate babe, a super jock with a brain, a young Korean guy who's quietly cool, an asshole, and an all-American-aren't-I-gorgeous-but-I'm-pretending-not-to-know-it blond curly locks 20-something guy.

Given these people, surely this is a recipe for drama; surely this would lead to psychological thrills, right? One would think so, but it just hasn't happened.

I think the problem is, except for their looks, this group is mediocre, at best. They have no life experiences, no serious interests, no talents or skills. They are just generally likeable, but mediocre, people.

Now, please understand that a mediocre person is far better than an extremely bad person. It's just that this is a TV show. This is entertainment. I want good guys. I want bad guys. I want tears, sex, silliness, laughter, pain, pleasure, passion... I want it all. But it's just not going to happen with mediocre people. The best we'll get is a little pain, a little pleasure, forgotten tears, and unmemorable antics.

People often compare the current houseguests to those from prior shows. This time around we don't have the true viciousness of Chill Town, the biting critiques and gay humor of Bunky and Marcellas. We don't have the philosophy and charisma of Roddy, the extreme goodness-how-can-you-ever-say-anything-bad-about-the-super-attractive-super-Christian Jason. We have occasional drunken behavior but not anything like that of Krista and Amy. There's no I'm-incredibly-sexy-but-even-sweeter Lisa, no breast implants of Tonya (that we actually got to SEE). Over time, the controversial and often unpopular opinions of the older guy Kent became a joy to listen to. We even somehow enjoyed the speaks-her-mind-but-turned-totally-psycho Nicole and, of course, how could any such list be given without the Most-Liked-Most-Hated Will.

(And this list wasn't even close to being exhaustive; not one person from BB1 was mentioned. And somehow I didn't mention Danielle.)

The point I'm trying to make is that in this house there exists no real intensity, no extremes. Instead, they just sort of bounce around back and forth between strategies and alliances and who's being put up next and who will win power of veto (POV) and will he/she actually use it (probably not) and who's lying to who and who's flirting with whom and blah blah blah. They never venture into extremes -- nothing extremely good and nothing extremely bad -- preferring to always remain in generally politically-correct neutral territory.

The bigger point is that CBS BB producers are terrible at forcing the drama. They'd hoped that bringing the ex's in would either create intense hate-each-other conflict or rekindle-the-romance sex and fondling. Neither has happened. In fact, if anything, it has toned DOWN the drama.

So, my advice to CBS is to not try and force the drama, to not focus on beauty (because it seems that beauty breeds mental mediocrity), and to simply allow the PEOPLE to create the drama. And since I'm in the mood...

RECOMMENDATIONS

1) Many have suggested that the Golden POV be given the extra power to choose WHO replaces the person they remove from nomination. And since this adds a huge amount of power to the Golden POV owner, the contests should be lengthy, mentally/physically challenging events, which would make them much more interesting to watch.

2) Bring back the multiple-day challenges from BB1. I hear people wish for this more than any other thing. This way the live feeds won't be so boring to watch.

3) Allow internet voting. The people on the internet know the HGs better than anyone else. They watch or read about the live feeds and they discuss the HGs in any number of discussion groups. With cookies and IP settings on the computer, people would only be allowed to vote once thus preventing what happened during BB1. Plus, if the general public were involved in the decision-making process, ratings would skyrocket.

But I am a dreamer if I think CBS will listen to a lowly viewer. Every season there seems to be the same (or similar) suggestions and every season things either don't change or get worse, especially when it comes to the live feeds. (Ah, the live feeds. There's a lengthy complaint article right there.)

So there you go: Houseguest profiles, an update of all that's happened (they discussed strategy, plus a few other things, I think), and some recommendations for future seasons.

I started to detail what you can expect during the rest of the season, but I'm afraid it would only be me hoping things would mysteriously become interesting.

Will there be another Big Brother article? Honestly, I'm just not sure.

Give me some quality thoughts to ponder and maybe it'll happen.

Thank you for reading my crap!

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