Survivor All-Stars Preview

Welcome to a brief preview of the next installment of Survivor featuring the winners of the treasured Survivor popularity and/or hottie-body (same thing) contest.

That's right, kids. The producers rounded up Survivor contestants from the previous seven Survivor series based on these important criteria:

· SHOULD they have won because they were better strategists throughout the game, but were eliminated towards the end because the game is designed so that the most qualified people lose?

· Were they the most talked about on the net and wherever else people discuss Survivor? Were they the fire-starters? Did they spark conversations?

And you know, if I were the producers, I would've used the same criteria. There are several I would've loved to see here, but overall I think they did a great job in selecting the All-Stars.

This will be quite interesting because, unlike prior Survivors, most of the contestants know each other and have become friends because Survivor alumni seem to have formed some sort of club where all the guys get together and at one point or another hook up with Alicia at a club while Ethan Zohn sleeps with various reality TV contestants. (You think I'm joking, don't you?)

Plus, we can't expect the obvious mistakes to be repeated; you know the ones where the first person booted off is either a) super-annoying/alienating, b) lazy-ass, c) looney, or d) plotting and conniving too soon. My guess is that the first person booted off, since most every person is either smart, strong, or both (there are exceptions - Amber, Boston Rob, Jenna Morasco), will be more of a fun, play-revenge vote than one of strategy. (Look out, Richard Hatch!)

Everyone on the island knows how easily Rob Cesternino can switch tribes, how overly honest Big Tom and Rupert are, how smart Lex and Shii-Ann are, and so on. There aren't going to be many secrets this time around. And there will be far less trust in every respect. Every conversation, every nice deed, every compliment, every movement will be considered strategic. And these people aren't out for another great experience. They're out to win.

Well, ok... maybe not Boston Rob, but everyone else is, dammit. Even Amber thinks she has a chance to win.

And while I'm singling out people, why not give a contestant review. First we have...

S1 Pulau Tiga Richard Hatch (talked about/popular)
S2 Australian Outback Tina Wesson (nice body and really liked)
S3 Africa Ethan Zohn (nice body AND popular)
S6 Amazon Jenna Morasco (nice body)

Then we skip S4 Marquesas Vecepia (praise the Lord), and S5 Thailand's Brian (he should've been here). S7 Pearl Island's sole survivor Sandra is not a part of the All-Stars and this is surprising because she was one of but a few winners the general public actually was pleased to see win -- after the most popular Survivor ever, Rupert, was booted out, of course.

S1 Pulau Tiga Rudy
S2 Australian Outback Colby
S3 Africa Lex
S4 Marquesas Kathy
S6 Amazon Rob Cesternino
S7 Pearl Islands Rupert

S1 Pulau Tiga Susan Hawk (and Rudy)
S2 Australian Outback Jerri
S3 Africa Big Tom
S4 Marquesas Boston Rob
S5 Thailand Shii-Ann
S6 Amazon Rob Cesternino (woo woo, two categories for Rob)
S7 Pearl Islands Rupert (and Rupert also wins two categories)

S1 Pulau Tiga Jenna Lewis
S2 Australian Outback Amber Brkich
S2 Australian Outback Alicia Calaway

I didn't watch the first Survivor. I discovered the second Survivor only because of the obvious babe factor that no writer discussed, which was why I created The Manly Man. And so, I am mildly ignorant of Richard Hatch. Rudy was written and discussed so much, I think everyone knows Rudy. And I spent almost two days listening to Susan Hawk, Alicia, and Jeff Varner totally play mind games with all those couped up in the Big Brother 2 house.

So, although I didn't watch the first Survivor, except for Jenna Lewis, I feel almost qualified to blab about them along with everyone else.

Let us first discuss the Sole Survivors, then I'll give the tribes nicknames I may actually remember.

If the name is a link, then I either link to a profile I've written (that usually includes lots of extra pictures) or an article mostly dedicated to that person. And thus, what a wonderful stroll down Memory Lane you shall have.

This is what I know about Richard Hatch. He's a very cocky, overweight, homosexual who walked around the island naked and is considered by many to be the smartest player ever. And he doesn't hesitate to remind people of this, which I heard with mine own ears during a commercial break while I was fortunate enough to be at Survivor Amazon Live Finale. He corrected Jeff Probst as Mr. Probst said that Rob Cesternino was the best player ever.

Richard's problem will be that most every Survivor wants him to lose and lose big. Also, being that he is supposedly such an effective manipulator, no one will believe a word he says.

Tina is the result of Colby's $900,000 decision to bring the person he liked into the final with him. She is an excellent athlete and is in super physical condition and is just the sweetest thang. Some people thought she was much more conniving and manipulative than she let on. I think she was just lucky and made it to the end because she's such a likeable person.

During his time in Africa, did Ethan really ever do anything other than have all the girls in the viewing audience fall in love with him and his puppy dog eyes, his quiet demeanor, and his curly locks? He's a nice guy and all, but I'm thinking his winning was the result of his alliance making great decisions and because Lex became extremely sick during the last immunity challenge.

While at the Survivor Finale, there was a HUGE collective groan when it was announced that she won. Jenna was selected to be in the All-Stars due to her hottie-body status. And if I'm not mistaken, I believe her and Ethan are currently an item, so that should add an interesting dynamic. (I think I've heard that Ethan also hooked up with Alicia and at least one other former Survivor.) Jenna made it through Survivor Amazon because she was a part of a group of young, vapid girls who teamed up against the "older, less attractive" women and somehow won thanks to Rob Cesternino.

And isn't it not all that surprising that these past winners are by far NOT the most interesting of this All-Star group. It's kind of nifty that so many winners are playing the game, but that's about as far as it goes. Will there be yet another repeat of the winner being someone who so does NOT deserve to win?

The show's previews say that they've saved the best twists for the All-Stars. I really hope they've figured out a way that makes it NOT the Survivors' best interest to eliminate the best players as soon as the merge takes place. If not, this will be last Survivor series I will watch -- and I am not alone when I say this.

Consisting of the two funniest players ever, Boston Rob and Rob "Probst, get the girls some peanut butter!" Cesternino, this group will be a constant ball of fun. And it doesn't at all stop with the two Robs. Susan Hawk is hilarious in a says-whatever-comes-to-mind-no-matter-what kind of way. Alicia is quick to laugh and even quicker to practical joke. Big Tom... all you have to do is go back and read my Survivor Africa articles to find that I can't possibly begin to list the funny things he said and did.

(This is a picture of Tom trying to teach Jessie the art of showing butt crack.)

I think they stuck Amber in there just so the two Robs will have more than one hottie-body to ogle and drool over.

I remember running into Amber at the reunion. I introduced myself, "Rob, from ManlyThoughts.com" and not having ever heard of me or the site, just said, "ManlyThoughts? Oh, I can just imagine the things you wrote about with that name." Definitely not what I wanted to hear. Since I didn't really feel like explaining that my writing is more psychological humor with an inkling towards intelligent political-incorrectness (or however the hell people describe my crap), I ended the non-conversation there and marvelled at how good she looked compared to her way-too-much-mascara Stuff Magazine layout. I also realized that I had absolutely nothing to say to her other than how great she looked. There was nothing about her personality that stood out as interesting or intriguing.

Just wait -- she'll email me, we'll go out, I'll fall in love, and then I'll have to write a whole article just taking back all the crap I said about her.

These freaking tribe names... again, I'll never remember them. What the hell is Mogo Mogo?

I call this tribe Team Strategery because this is arguably the most intelligent team, the team most able to come up with brilliant strategy, the team with the most Should've-Wons. Lex van den Berghe was the brains behind Ethan's win. We already discussed Richard. Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien should've won Survivor Marquesas - she was the outcast since day one and was able to work her way into the Final 3 only to be screwed by the holier-than-thou Vecepia and Neleh.

And then we have Shii-Ann Huang. I was mesmerized by Shii-Ann - her beauty, her personality, her intelligence, her sense of humor (until I saw her smoking, which dropped my near-worship down to lots-of-like). She was playing the game beautifully until a minor slip ("Wait, there's NOT a merge?!") took her out.

Colby dominated Survivor Australia both physically and mentally (until the very end, of course) and is now looking good in a Schick commercial I see all the time.

The only outcast in this Team Strategery is Jenna. But since it seems as though each tribe is required to have at least two hotties, why not stick in the one babeness who just so happens to have lucked into winning Survivor Amazon.

I call them Team Miscellaneous because this tribe doesn't have anything close to a theme other than they were the most talked about (Rudy, Jerri, Rupert) or happened to have won while also being a nice person (Ethan, Tina). I'm not sure why Jenna from Survivor 1 is here. Did she do anything that stood out other than look good?

While in New York at the Finale, a bunch of fans were talking with Clay and a few other past Survivors when Rudy Boesch walked up. In mid-Clay-sentence, people shouted, "Rudy!" and ran away from Clay. Anytime I saw him that day, he was surrounded by people asking for his autograph, wanting to talk with him, offering their first-born. Until Rupert came along, Rudy was probably the most liked of all Survivors.

And then we have the opposite -- Jerri Manthey the evil witch, the one people loved to hate. ("Johnny Fairplay" really tried to take this title from Jerri, but he was just can't-stand-to-look-at-him annoying.) She was and still is one of the most talked-about Survivors of all time. And she really seemed to enjoy her infamous status, having graced the pages of Playboy and even being cast in a several TV shows.

Rupert Boneham needs no introduction. Survivor Pearl Islands could've been renamed the Rupert Show. The nifty thing about Rupert was that he deserved (and still deserves) all the nice things that are said about him. If you haven't read my profile and you're a Rupert fan, you should go take a look. I expect Rupert to get along with Rudy, Ethan, and Tina extremely well, and he'll grumble and growl a lot over Jerri's bitchiness. And once again, Rupert will single-handedly make this a very strong team.

Chapera tribe (Team Entertainment)
Rob Cesternino, Amber Brkich, Tom Buchanan, Alicia Calaway, Sue Hawk, Rob Mariano

Mogo Mogo tribe (Team Strategery)
Colby Donaldson, Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien, Lex van den Berghe, Shii-Ann Huang, Richard Hatch, Jenna Morasca

Saboga tribe (Team Miscellaneous)
Rudy Boesch, Jerri Manthey, Jenna Lewis, Rupert Boneham, Ethan Zohn, Tina Wesson

I'm enthused that they selected most every person many feel should've won. I also like how they selected so many who stood out, who sparked conversation.

(This is a picture of God pretending to be Lex looking down upon the Africa tribe.)

This time will be a different experience. Until now, part of the thrill was in getting to know these strangers and watching the personality dynamics develop. Now I'll have to shift my mindset to watch people I sort of know, who are already, for the most part, friends, compete and "strategerize" against each other.

It'll also be good that since they already sort of know each other, we won't have any of that polite-we've-just-met-so-I'll-bite-my-tongue-and-not-say-what's-really-on-my-mind-you-bastard sort of annoying niceness. People will be cold and hungry and uncomfortable, which should lead to some good fights.

What's also interesting is that of all these people, there is not one that I find annoying or easy to dislike. This has never existed in a Survivor. Yes, Jerri was the girl everyone loved to hate, while so many people just blechked over Jenna Morasco. But these two weren't all that bad. (Plus, I may be underestimating their ability to play the game.) Kathy O'Brien was difficult to take at first, but over time she grew on me and ended up being one of the most publicly-liked contestants in Marquesas.

So everyone is either fun, smart, beautiful, or a combination of the three. Most of them were those who people wanted to see more of. And this is definitely a group who will not be afraid to speak their minds.

While you're at it, check out these other Survivor sites. They are all excellent.
SurvivorFever.net, SurvivorNews.net, Survivor-Central.com, TrueDorkTimes

Big Brother 5

Survivor All-Stars

Survivor Pearl Islands

Survivor All-Stars Preview

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