Welcome to a brief
preview of the next installment of Survivor featuring the
winners of the treasured Survivor popularity and/or hottie-body
(same thing) contest.
That's right, kids.
The producers rounded up Survivor contestants from the previous
seven Survivor series based on these important criteria:
· Did they win? If so, were they popular or
did they have nice bodies?
· SHOULD they have won because they were better
strategists throughout the game, but were eliminated towards
the end because the game is designed so that the most qualified
· Were they the most talked about on the net
and wherever else people discuss Survivor? Were they the fire-starters?
Did they spark conversations?
And you know, if
I were the producers, I would've used the same criteria.
There are several I would've loved to see here, but overall
I think they did a great job in selecting the All-Stars.
This will be quite
interesting because, unlike prior Survivors, most of the contestants
know each other and have become friends because Survivor alumni
seem to have formed some sort of club where all the guys get
together and at one point or another hook up with Alicia at
a club while Ethan Zohn sleeps with various reality TV contestants.
(You think I'm joking, don't you?)
Plus, we can't
expect the obvious mistakes to be repeated; you know the ones
where the first person booted off is either a) super-annoying/alienating,
b) lazy-ass, c) looney, or d) plotting and conniving too soon.
My guess is that the first person booted off, since most every
person is either smart, strong, or both (there are exceptions
- Amber, Boston Rob, Jenna Morasco), will be more of a fun,
play-revenge vote than one of strategy. (Look out, Richard
Everyone on the
island knows how easily Rob Cesternino can switch tribes,
how overly honest Big Tom and Rupert are, how smart Lex and
Shii-Ann are, and so on. There aren't going to be many secrets
this time around. And there will be far less trust in every
respect. Every conversation, every nice deed, every compliment,
every movement will be considered strategic. And these people
aren't out for another great experience. They're out to win.
Well, ok... maybe
not Boston Rob, but everyone else is, dammit. Even Amber
thinks she has a chance to win.
And while I'm singling
out people, why not give a contestant review. First we have...
The Sole Survivors
S1 Pulau Tiga Richard
Hatch (talked about/popular)
S2 Australian Outback Tina Wesson (nice body and really
S3 Africa Ethan Zohn (nice body AND popular)
S6 Amazon Jenna Morasco (nice body)
Then we skip S4
Marquesas Vecepia (praise the Lord), and S5 Thailand's
Brian (he should've been here). S7 Pearl Island's
sole survivor Sandra is not a part of the All-Stars
and this is surprising because she was one of but a few winners
the general public actually was pleased to see win -- after
the most popular Survivor ever, Rupert, was booted
out, of course.
S1 Pulau Tiga Rudy
S2 Australian Outback Colby
S3 Africa Lex
S4 Marquesas Kathy
S6 Amazon Rob Cesternino
S7 Pearl Islands Rupert
S1 Pulau Tiga Susan
Hawk (and Rudy)
S2 Australian Outback Jerri
S3 Africa Big Tom
S4 Marquesas Boston Rob
S5 Thailand Shii-Ann
S6 Amazon Rob Cesternino (woo woo, two categories for
S7 Pearl Islands Rupert (and Rupert also wins two categories)
S1 Pulau Tiga Jenna
S2 Australian Outback Amber Brkich
S2 Australian Outback Alicia Calaway
I didn't watch
the first Survivor. I discovered the second Survivor only
because of the obvious babe factor that no writer discussed,
which was why I created The Manly Man. And so, I am mildly
ignorant of Richard Hatch. Rudy was written and discussed
so much, I think everyone knows Rudy. And I spent almost
two days listening to Susan Hawk, Alicia, and Jeff Varner
totally play mind games with all those couped up in the Big
Brother 2 house.
So, although I
didn't watch the first Survivor, except for Jenna Lewis, I
feel almost qualified to blab about them along with everyone
Let us first discuss
the Sole Survivors, then I'll give the tribes nicknames I
may actually remember.
If the name is
a link, then I either link to a profile I've written (that
usually includes lots of extra pictures) or an article mostly
dedicated to that person. And thus, what a wonderful stroll
down Memory Lane you
This is what I
know about Richard Hatch. He's a very cocky, overweight,
homosexual who walked around the island naked and is considered
by many to be the smartest player ever. And he doesn't hesitate
to remind people of this, which I heard with mine own ears
during a commercial break while I was fortunate enough to
be at Survivor Amazon Live Finale. He corrected Jeff Probst
as Mr. Probst said that Rob Cesternino was the best player
will be that most every Survivor wants him to lose and lose
big. Also, being that he is supposedly such an effective
manipulator, no one will believe a word he says.
Tina is the result
of Colby's $900,000 decision to bring the person he liked
into the final with him. She is an excellent athlete and
is in super physical condition and is just the sweetest thang.
Some people thought she was much more conniving and manipulative
than she let on. I think she was just lucky and made it to
the end because she's such a likeable person.
During his time
in Africa, did Ethan really ever do anything other than have
all the girls in the viewing audience fall in love with him
and his puppy dog eyes, his quiet demeanor, and his curly
locks? He's a nice guy and all, but I'm thinking his winning
was the result of his alliance making great decisions and
because Lex became extremely sick during the last immunity
While at the Survivor
Finale, there was a HUGE collective groan when it was announced
that she won. Jenna was selected to be in the All-Stars due
to her hottie-body status. And if I'm not mistaken, I believe
her and Ethan are currently an item, so that should add an
interesting dynamic. (I think I've heard that Ethan also
hooked up with Alicia and at least one other former Survivor.)
Jenna made it through Survivor Amazon because she was a part
of a group of young, vapid girls who teamed up against the
"older, less attractive" women and somehow won thanks
to Rob Cesternino.
And isn't it not
all that surprising that these past winners are by far NOT
the most interesting of this All-Star group. It's kind of
nifty that so many winners are playing the game, but that's
about as far as it goes. Will there be yet another repeat
of the winner being someone who so does NOT deserve to win?
The show's previews
say that they've saved the best twists for the All-Stars.
I really hope they've figured out a way that makes it NOT
the Survivors' best interest to eliminate the best players
as soon as the merge takes place. If not, this will be last
Survivor series I will watch -- and I am not alone when I
Consisting of the
two funniest players ever, Boston
Rob and Rob "Probst, get
the girls some peanut butter!" Cesternino, this
group will be a constant ball of fun. And it doesn't at all
stop with the two Robs. Susan Hawk is hilarious in
a says-whatever-comes-to-mind-no-matter-what kind of way.
Alicia is quick to laugh and even quicker to practical
Tom... all you have to do is go back
and read my Survivor Africa articles to find that I can't
possibly begin to list the funny things he said and did.
is a picture of Tom trying to teach Jessie the art of showing
I think they stuck
in there just so the two Robs will have more than one hottie-body
to ogle and drool over.
I remember running
into Amber at the reunion. I introduced myself, "Rob,
from ManlyThoughts.com" and not having ever heard of
me or the site, just said, "ManlyThoughts? Oh, I can
just imagine the things you wrote about with that name."
Definitely not what I wanted to hear. Since I didn't really
feel like explaining that my writing is more psychological
humor with an inkling towards intelligent political-incorrectness
(or however the hell people describe my crap), I ended the
non-conversation there and marvelled at how good she looked
compared to her way-too-much-mascara Stuff Magazine layout.
I also realized that I had absolutely nothing to say to her
other than how great she looked. There was nothing about
her personality that stood out as interesting or intriguing.
Just wait -- she'll
email me, we'll go out, I'll fall in love, and then I'll have
to write a whole article just taking back all the crap I said
Mogo aka Team Strategery
tribe names... again, I'll never remember them. What the
hell is Mogo Mogo?
I call this tribe
Team Strategery because this is arguably the most intelligent
team, the team most able to come up with brilliant strategy,
the team with the most Should've-Wons. Lex van den Berghe
was the brains behind Ethan's win. We already discussed Richard.
should've won Survivor Marquesas - she was the outcast since
day one and was able to work her way into the Final 3 only
to be screwed by the holier-than-thou Vecepia and Neleh.
then we have Shii-Ann
Huang. I was mesmerized by Shii-Ann - her
beauty, her personality, her intelligence, her sense of humor
(until I saw her smoking, which dropped my near-worship down
to lots-of-like). She was playing the game beautifully until
a minor slip ("Wait, there's NOT a merge?!") took
Survivor Australia both physically and mentally (until the
very end, of course) and is now looking good in a Schick commercial
I see all the time.
The only outcast
in this Team Strategery is Jenna. But since it seems
as though each tribe is required to have at least two hotties,
why not stick in the one babeness who just so happens to have
lucked into winning Survivor Amazon.
And finally we
aka Team Miscellaneous
I call them Team
Miscellaneous because this tribe doesn't have anything close
to a theme other than they were the most talked about (Rudy,
Rupert) or happened to have won while also being a nice person
(Ethan, Tina). I'm not sure why Jenna from Survivor 1 is
here. Did she do anything that stood out other than look
While in New York
at the Finale, a bunch of fans were talking with Clay and
a few other past Survivors when Rudy Boesch walked
up. In mid-Clay-sentence, people shouted, "Rudy!"
and ran away from Clay. Anytime I saw him that day, he was
surrounded by people asking for his autograph, wanting to
talk with him, offering their first-born. Until Rupert came
along, Rudy was probably the most liked of all Survivors.
then we have the opposite -- Jerri
Manthey the evil witch, the one people loved
to hate. ("Johnny Fairplay" really tried to take
this title from Jerri, but he was just can't-stand-to-look-at-him
annoying.) She was and still is one of the most talked-about
Survivors of all time. And she really seemed to enjoy her
infamous status, having graced the pages of Playboy and even
being cast in a several TV shows.
needs no introduction. Survivor Pearl Islands could've been
renamed the Rupert Show. The nifty thing about Rupert was
that he deserved (and still deserves) all the nice things
that are said about him. If you haven't read my profile
and you're a Rupert fan, you should go take a look. I expect
Rupert to get along with Rudy, Ethan, and Tina extremely well,
and he'll grumble and growl a lot over Jerri's bitchiness.
And once again, Rupert will single-handedly make this a very
One last team recap
to sum it all up...
tribe (Team Entertainment)
Rob Cesternino, Amber Brkich, Tom Buchanan, Alicia Calaway,
Sue Hawk, Rob Mariano
Mogo tribe (Team Strategery)
Colby Donaldson, Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien, Lex van den Berghe,
Shii-Ann Huang, Richard Hatch, Jenna Morasca
I'm enthused that
they selected most every person many feel should've won.
I also like how they selected so many who stood out, who sparked
(This is a picture
of God pretending to be Lex looking down upon the Africa tribe.)
This time will
be a different experience. Until now, part of the thrill
was in getting to know these strangers and watching the personality
dynamics develop. Now I'll have to shift my mindset to watch
people I sort of know, who are already, for the most part,
friends, compete and "strategerize" against each
It'll also be good
that since they already sort of know each other, we won't
have any of that polite-we've-just-met-so-I'll-bite-my-tongue-and-not-say-what's-really-on-my-mind-you-bastard
sort of annoying niceness. People will be cold and hungry
and uncomfortable, which should lead to some good fights.
What's also interesting
is that of all these people, there is not one that I find
annoying or easy to dislike. This has never existed in a
Survivor. Yes, Jerri was the girl everyone loved to hate,
while so many people just blechked over Jenna Morasco. But
these two weren't all that bad. (Plus, I may be underestimating
their ability to play the game.) Kathy O'Brien was difficult
to take at first, but over time she grew on me and ended up
being one of the most publicly-liked contestants in Marquesas.
So everyone is
either fun, smart, beautiful, or a combination of the three.
Most of them were those who people wanted to see more of.
And this is definitely a group who will not be afraid to speak
I'm really looking
forward to seeing how this series develops.
Please check back
for my weekly take on each episode.
And, as always...
Thank you for reading
out my Survivor
Index Page for Survivor links and all the articles
I've written in the past.