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12/27 Do You REALLY Want World Peace?

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7/7 Part 1: The Bad Ways to Kiss
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4/19 Do You Truly
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3/1 Which Drunk are You?

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Reality TV Crap

Big Brother 5

Let's Psycho-Analyze the BB5 Men

Let's Psycho-Analyze the BB5 Women

BB5 Introduction: Hotties and More Hotties Might be a Bad Thing

BB4 Stroll Down Memory Lane

Survivor All-Stars

Episode 2: It's Good to Know a Hero

All-Stars Preview

Survivor Pearl Islands

Episode 11: Why Not Just Wound Her?

Episode 10: The Problem with Survivor

Episode 4: Annoyance Man in Charge?

Episode 2: Where's Darrah?

Episode 1: The Rupert Show

Survivor Profiles
Burton | Christa | Jon | Michelle
Rupert | Sandra | Shawn | Trish
Andrew | Darrah | Lillian | Nicole
Osten | Ryan O. | Ryan S. | Tijuana

Big Brother 4: Mediocrity and Run-on Sentences

Survivor Amazon
My Survivor Finale Day in the City

Survivor Episode 12: Predictions Revisited -- Readers' Wisdom (and yes, I try again)

Survivor Episode 11: Curious Editing Shift and Complete Final Predictions

Episode 10 Update: The Rob Show - A Surprising Final Four?

Exclusive Interview:
Survivor Amazon's
Magic 8-Ball


Survivor Episode 2: Where's Darrah?

The show opens with Tribe Idiot crying about how "it's very hard to freeze every night." Within the first minute, we see the theme of this episode:

Acts-Impulsively-Not-The-Smartest-Guy-But-Looks-Good-In-Baggy-Drawers-I'm-Going-to-DIE-from-Pneumonia Osten turns into a wimp-ass and tries to make excuses so that he no longer has to be cold at night and so that he can return home to his buddies and his comfy bed with the nice comforter and soft pillows that he snuggles up to with no fear of dreadful wild animals and snakes suddenly eating off his leg. "To me," he says, "it seems like only a matter of time before, you know, something like pneumonia or something like that could settle in because I don't have any clothes."

Let's analyze this statement:

"To me...
I said 'To me' because I'm pretty dang sure the other 15 people had a clue as to what SURVIVOR means, while I, on the other hand, was expecting only to tan, build sand castles, and compete in those challenges where my big muscles really matter.

"... it seems like only a matter of time before,...
I want this over now

"... you know,...
I'm looking for a little affirmation here, a little support for my wimp-ass self

"... something like pneumonia or something like that could settle in...
I once read that when people, you know, are really cold at night and they shiver and shake because they were idiots and decided to get rid of all their clothes due to an impulsive action, that they all get sick from pneumonia and even though there are doctors around watching my every move and even though I'm not a professional athlete nor anything else that entirely depends on a perfectly healthy body to earn a living, I think that maybe I should insist that my wimp-ass self is quite likely going to die if I have to shiver for a few more nights, although it's only ME and not anyone else that this could possibly happen to, and thus I'm thinking I should maybe get off this miserable vacation resort island as soon as possible... you know

"... because I don't have any clothes."
since I gave them away like a dolt with zero foresight.

And so, throughout the show, we hear him cry and whine and even tell people to vote him out. He's probably telling people now that this was all strategy, something he did to make him seem like he wasn't such a threat or that it was some master plan to eliminate Skinny Ryan.

But we all know the truth, don't we? Osten is a wimp-ass.

I must admit, though, that I, too, would be a total wimp-ass. I'd be bitchin' and moaning the entire time. This, of course, assumes that I would also be a dolt and give away all my clothes and then not really try, at all costs, to fashion some sort of shelter from the night wind.


Remember those super-popular Where's Waldo? Books where you had to find the little Waldo somewhere hidden on each page? Well, the last episode and this one totally reminded me of these books.

Where's Darrah?
After not seeing or hearing her AT ALL during the first episode, I pulled out my detective magnifying glass and combed this episode for Darrah sightings. Here's one (and quite the surprisingly sexy one at that). It was just a quick shot as she glanced over to the others. I'm quite proud that I was able to spot her.

The Rupert Show continues as we see him bouncing up and down in the trees along with brief glimpses of his tidy-whities beneath his floral skirt. It's easy to see why Big Hairy Man is so popular when he says things like, "I am loving life and loving this place and loving the position I'm in. I am in paradise. What more do I want? I'm living in a bounty of food. I've got beautiful souls around me. And I've got some help being strong. Aargh."

(That was a mellower AARGH! than usual because he was truly appreciating his paradise. Pirates are not always about pillaging, you know. They can love life. They can appreciate paradise. They can flaunt their tidy-whities.)

Tall-Super-Skinny-With-No-Persuasive-Skills-Whatsoever-and-Apparently-No-Swimming-Skills-Either-Even-If-It-Means-Getting-Booted-Out-Of-Paradise boy retrieves the Tree Mail (which is actually more like Treasure Chest mail, which is what I'll call it from now on) and he shows us that he understands the game pretty well. He knows that he's the next to go and says that it's do or die for him.

Well, it was die, unfortunately. During the Reward Challenge, he had to swim out and dive down in 8- to 10-foot deep water and retrieve an item off the ocean floor, then put it in a chest that was difficult to open. He just couldn't do it and he promptly gave Team Justice League a two man lead.

In all fairness, Non-Charismatic-Hardly-Noticed Ryan also fell two people behind, but at least he was able to open the chest and put his item inside.

This is too bad. I believe Skinny Ryan had some mental skills and some gaming ability that we'll probably never see. Once again, brawn wins over brains in the beginning stages of the game and I think this is always a mistake that tribes make. Yes, some challenges are physical, but usually less than half. Brains are more important, especially brains that have spent years of their life in front of the computer playing strategic computer games.

I think.

I mean, it looks good on paper.


The reward in the Reward Challenge was pretty interesting. Two parts:

  1. The first clue to a buried treasure chest on their island.

  2. The winning tribe also gets to loot one item from the other tribe's camp - something that will be a part of EVERY reward challenge.

I LIKE this looting part.

What's a Little Looting Between Friends
Team Justice League discusses what they should take. They decide to take the water jug and leave the tarp despite Annoyance Man's excellent point: "Something to keep in mind, though. If they have more than one water jug and if all they have is a tarp, it would be good to hurt them by taking the tarp."

Rupert countered, "Honestly, we don't need to hurt them..."

They picked Hispanic-Fireball woman to do the looting, while Super-Sweetness girl made an excellent observation; "No matter who goes, if you're a nice person or not, if you had another tribe member come up to your camp and take something of yours, you wouldn't like them either. I was happy that she went."

Another Darrah sighting! (The tribe was returning back from the challenge after their loss. A quick flash. Yet again, no words were spoken and she tried to blend in with her surroundings, but I spotted her.)


Tribe Idiot says, "He can take ANYTHING except the tarp. Not the tarp. There is no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If he takes our tarp, he'll be in trouble. I'm not lying."

And so, Hispanic-Fireball woman took the tarp.

She tried to be nice. She went looking for the water jug, but either it was hidden or they didn't have one. So she selected the tarp. Tribe Idiot acted all pissy and Hispanic-Fireball woman did what she had to do, handling herself the same way she did as she wheeled-and-dealed in the market.

She describes what happened, "I go to grab a knife and black girl's like, 'No, no, no you're not going to use our knife and you better not cut our rope.'

"So I was like, 'Okay, regardless, I'm taking the tarp down.' "

You've got to like this woman.

At first I didn't realize how this would play into the strategy of the game, but now that Team Justice League decided to take the single most important part of Tribe Idiot's camp, as Jeffy later put it, "Payback's a bitch." Plus, Hispanic-Fireball woman could've won a few points with the other tribemembers had she taken something less important. But now that this precedence has been set, the looting from here on out will be no-holds-barred destroy the other camp.

Cool beans.

Accent-So-Southern-It's-Almost-Painful-To-Hear-Missing-Person's-List-Where's-Darrah girl FINALLY SPEAKS! I don't remember what she said, but I DID hear her voice. And this was first and last time so spoke, so if you missed it then you can thank Goddess for my observant self.

Big-Hairy Man has a Nutty
The tip of the fishing spear was lost by one of those dark-haired-hunkalicious guys (I can't tell them apart -- their bland personalities and hunky looks sort of blend in to each other, it's kind of like how all those teen and 20-something rebels who try so hard to go against the norms and be oh-so-unique end up looking all alike) and Big-Hairy man growled and broke tree trunks and things. This tip was essential to their food supply. One would think that the entire tribe would be out combing the waters in a grid-like pattern. Instead, they seemed to not care all that much and so Big-Hairy man did it all by himself.

And after a few hours, he actually found the thing, no thanks to his tribe members. He rejoiced and was happy once again much to my dismay because I would've liked to have seen Big-Hairy man drop a treasure chest on One-of-Two-Dark-Haired-Hunkalicious-but-Generally-Non-Existent man's head while he slept.

Maybe they had only one set of goggles, which I'm not sure would matter. I see people do it on TV, but I was wondering: Does it hurt to open your eyes in the salty ocean waters? I honestly don't know.

Immunity Challenge
This was a rather complicated untie knots and drag prisoners and swim and unbury something and put a flag on a bamboo pole and rejoice.

Team Idiot had a huge early lead thanks to Prince Andrew, but then wasn't able to open their clue to the buried treasure and so...

"Drake Wins Immunity!"

Tribe Idiot tries to decide who should be booted while Wimp-Ass-I-Am-SO-Going-To-Die-From-Pneumonia asks a few people to vote for him.

Several Tribe Idiot members explain how it doesn't matter how many muscles a person has because those won't matter if their heart is not in the game. Despite this being said even during the Tribal Council, people still voted to boot Skinny Ryan instead of Wimp-Ass.

Like I said earlier, this is too bad. Skinny Ryan never had a chance. No one knew him at all. No one bothered to get to know him to see if he could contribute to the tribe in ways other than strength. Of course, he's just as much to blame because he didn't do what it took to present this side of himself.

I'm sure he will now never, ever forget one of the key strategic moves to avoid in Survivor:

Do not spend most of your time with the older lady wearing a boy scout uniform!

By the way, Where's Darrah? was not asked one question during Tribal Council. Talk about flying under the radar. Not even Jeffy or the cameras realize she's there.

'Nuf said.


Wait a minute! I just noticed something peculiar...

There's a striking resemblance between Skinny Ryan and Waldo.

Coincidence? I don't THINK so!

Thank you for reading my crap!

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