Bad Kissing Techniques
- Rob Daugherty
There was a kiss on an MTV video that got
me to thinking about all the ways a person can really suck
at kissing. This kiss was the Pretend-to-be-Succumbed-by-Passion-but-Instead-it-Just-Looks-Like-Two-People-Who-Aren’t-Truly-Intimately-Familiar-Pretending-to-be-Passionate-Because-the-Director-Said-to-Act-Passionate-Open-the-Mouth-Too-Wide-and-Lick-Each-Other’s-Drooping-Tongue-First
Seeing this caused me to wonder if there
are people in the throes of kissing passion who actually kiss
in this way. This, though, caused me to wonder if I’m
just totally unhip when it comes
to kissing. And this, in turn, set me off thinking about
all the different ways people kiss badly.
The following is part one of what could very
well be THE guide to the surprisingly large assortment of
kissing techniques. In part two, I detail the Ultimate First
For now, though, please try to avoid the
Bad Kissing Techniques
I'd met this girl. She was a hottie, but I was too young and stupid to realize and accept
that the spark just wasn't there between us. We were in a
secluded place, touching, fondling, and I guess we both sort
of just continued with the ritual without really wanting to
– mostly because it was just easier to go along than it would
be to stop and create this ordeal out of the moment.
We started kissing and almost instantly she
was all porno-star-groaning-mouth-open-tongue-everywhere and
my first thought was, "WHAT THE HELL...?! Did someone
reach around and flip on her Horny switch?" 30 seconds
prior, this woman was doing her nails while I was a'fondling
away. Now, she was near orgasm.
Or so it seemed.
We began kissing and her mouth was open real
wide. I thought, "Ok, she's a wide-mouther!" and I tried to match my lips to hers. She, in turn, opened
even wider – tongue still going, head bobbing all over. I
didn't know what else to do so I joined in the Stretching-the-Mouth-Open
This is called the Mouth-Stretching-Competition-Get-Lost-in-the-Grand-Canyon
kiss (aka the Open-the-Mouth-WAY-Too-Wide kiss). We were in a mouth-opening
contest! Soon I found my mouth stretching so wide I could
no longer feel my face.
And therein lies
the problem. This often becomes something like a competition
for both parties to keep up with the other -- she opens her
mouth wide, he tries to meet her lips and opens HIS mouth
wide. She perceives this, but since their lips have
stretched so tight there's no sensation of said lips, thus
causing her to open even wider in the on-going lip-finding
quest. Soon enough, the two have created a canyon of
echoes and small animals lost within.
Unfortunately, the Mouth-Stretching-Competition-Get-Lost-in-the-Grand-Canyon
kiss happens even to the most experienced and talented kisser.
If you find yourself in just such a competition... STOP!
Even if you think the other person wants this. They
don't! They're doing it just because they think YOU
Very much related to the Canyon-Competition Kiss is the Coal-Miner
kiss. This is when someone sticks their tongue VERY
DEEP down your throat, so deep that they begin touching places
in your mouth you never knew existed. Remember kids,
the tongue is not meant to be a probe.
The Dentist's-Chair kiss (aka Niagara-Falls
You know how when you're getting work done on your teeth and
no matter how much you try to control yourself, it seems as
though your natural drool tendencies kick in full swing.
You turn into a drool machine requiring that suction device
or else your face and neck would be taking a really gross
Most of the time, thankfully, you are in
control of your drool responses. However, some people
are not. Consider this scenario...
You're loving life. The kissing has
been passionate. The touching just right. You started while sitting upright
and have gracefully shifted to lying next to each other, touching
and caressing. But then s/he climbs on top -- by your
invitation, even -- and you notice something different...
Someone turned on the hose! FLOOD WATERS
HAVE BREACHED THE DAM! You instinctively reach out to
paddle your way to the water's surface. You get an uncomfortable
flashback to sitting in the dentist's chair and you scream
A lesser variant of the Niagara-Falls
kiss is the Wet-and-Sloppy kiss, which can actually be a good
thing depending on the moment.
I was standing to the side at a party, grooving
to the beat, watching people, zoning out in my own little
world when along comes a girl. Without notice, she plants
a sloppy, wet, full-lips-smoochy-lingering
kiss on my surprised lips. Then she just left! I stood
there stunned. As I began to realize how remarkable that
was to have happen, I felt the breeze cooling my moistened
mouth. I didn't want it to go away. I relished
the coolness of it hoping that it never dries.
Now THAT was a Wet-and-Sloppy that was a
good Wet-and-Sloppy. (I never saw her again. I never got
the chance to thank her.)
So, wetness and moisture is a natural part
of the procedure. However, it is important to know that
if you happen to leave a little bit too much moisture on your
partner's lip area, then you must combination suck-it-dry/kiss
that area before you begin total lip separation. In
other words, a little minor drool is OK as long as you clean
up your mess.
Some people don't understand this, though.
You kiss and although it feels good, each time you separate
you find yourself not quite slimy wet, but pretty close.
This is what causes you to, as inconspicuously as possible,
wipe your mouth dry. And you have to do this somehow
without letting your partner witness that you've just wiped
off their kiss.
I've pretended that a sneeze was coming.
I've faked an itch. I've playfully lost my balance into
the pillow, making sure to turn that pillow to the cool side
to avoid laying my head back down
in the puddle.
The Wet-and-Sloppy kiss: A little wetness
and moisture can be a good thing. Just make sure to
clean up your mess.
This is a broad category of kissing
that includes bad breath, morning breath, ashtray breath,
and so on. Brush your teeth. Keep some mints handy.
Do SOMETHING to avoid this.
Similarly, someone described once kissing
someone with dry, chapped lips -- lips that were so dry that
skin actually flaked off into their mouth.
Ok, now I'm kind of grossed out.
Remember the movie Planet of the Apes and how they'd kiss each other with those
tight monkey lips? I think I've kissed a monkey woman.
My lips touched something horribly disgustingly hardeningly
This happened to me. I was like, "What
the hell?!" I went in expecting soft, cushioned
lips. I backed away all confused and full of that ick.
My brain, while still dealing with the lingering hard-lipped
ick sensation, went into logical-think-and-reason-and-figure-out-what-the-hell-just-happened
"Wait a minute. She's in her 30's.
She's an attractive woman with a ballet dancer body.
She was interesting and had no obvious psychotic behavior.
How could she possibly think that whatever the hell she just
did could ever be considered a kiss?" And it wasn't
a sudden kiss. I know I didn't catch her off guard.
In fact, she was the one actually encouraging the event.
While I couldn't bring myself to overcome
the ick and try to continue the
romantic moment, I couldn't help wondering if there was some
sort of communication problem. I just couldn't fathom
this attractive, healthy woman having absolutely no idea as
to how to kiss. So I waited a while, built up my courage,
and went in again...
More monkey lips! It was so bad I wondered
if she did it on purpose just to get rid of me.
The whole point of all that was to remind
everyone to allow their lips to part just a bit and be SOFT
-- soft and sensual.
Continuing with Bad Kissing examples...
kiss. Guys usually do this while the game's on, but I've heard of women taking
a peek at the food boiling over on the stove.
The classic Braces-Get-Locked
kiss. I've heard about this, but I've yet
to actually meet someone who this has really happened to or
who has actually seen it. Even if it happens, this probably
shouldn't be in the bad kissing category since chances are,
good kissing was happening just before. The good just
turned out to have a bad result.
kiss. There are many reasons why someone would not want to kiss but does it
anyway. Here are just a few...
* End of a bad date obligatory goodnight
* I'm too tired for sex but you're not, obviously
* He thinks I like him but I just want him to leave and not
make a scene so I'll kiss him and get it over with
difference between this kiss and all the others is that with
this one, you have little control other than to try and be
observant and leave before things get really disgusting.
kiss. Sometimes it's nice to be touched while being kissed. But quite
often, guys will kiss ONLY because they think it'll lead to
them getting laid. And so, they kiss -- for about ten
seconds -- and then they believe that this somehow turns the
woman on uncontrollably to the point that she wants very badly
to have various body parts violated by his clammy, inexperienced,
Sorry. It doesn't work this way.
The Spastic-Trained Narcotics-Dog-Finding-a-Truck-of-Cocaine
This is a case of someone trying
really hard to pretend they're turned on such that s/he turns
into total spaz during the kiss.
This is far too common in the movies since
it would seem as though directors equate "head movement"
with quality kissing. This is the Hollywood
Two people meet. They hit it off. They
may even have a bit of a romance. But something happens that
separates them – they lose the letter or miss the bus or mistakenly
think they're related or gay or married or whatever. Eventually,
love overcomes all and they find themselves back in each other's
arms; they finally give in to the desire and accept that they've
been in love with each other for the entire movie but they
just couldn't admit it to themselves (or to the plot-line).
And so they kiss and kiss and because Hollywood directors want us to think that people are
spazzes when they're fraught with
pent-up emotion and passion, the kissing duo spaz out on each other like a narcotic dog going nuts after
finding a crate-load of cocaine.
It's rapid-fire kissing jerking the head
all over the place come-up-for-air-dive-back-in-again who-cares-what-the-neighbors-think
I've got to kiss your lips and face and neck like I've been
stranded in the desert and your head is the source of water
but the only way I can get a big drink is if I suck out the
water in little spastic kisses all over the place repeatedly.
This is a Hollywood cliché. You are not a dog with a nose for
smuggled narcotics. Don't be a spaz.
Calm down and enjoy the sensations, dammit.
So, one might ask...
"Now that we know how NOT to kiss, can
you please tell me what I'm supposed to already?!"
This leads me to...
2: The Ultimate First Kiss
I'm not going to pretend that I'm all that
and I know everything. In the next part, I simply re-tell
all the things that a girl did leaving me with a most splendid
read it. You'll be glad to have met this woman.